low expectations…

June 1, 2010 at 10:10 am (Insufficiency of Man, Search for Significance)

Change…its all about to change…

In just a few short days, I leave for camp.  Then I come back to Dallas for 4 days and leave again, this time for who knows how long.  Maybe a month, maybe 6 weeks, I am not sure.  The lives of all my friends are moving and going as well.  Florida for camp, Hong Kong, North Carolina YL camp, Colorado YL camp, summer school (here in Dallas, but lasts all day).  I feel like everything changes tonight.

While I am gone, everyone else’s lives change as well..situations change, life changes, friendships change and I am scared.  Scared that when I come back nothing will be the same.  Scared that friendships will have changed and what are now close good friendships will be no longer in 6 weeks.  6 weeks…and during those 6 weeks everyone will be busy with their own lives.  I am easily forgotten and replaced;  I have low expectations.  There is a war within my heart right now.  A war of wanting to try to hang on to friendships, build them strong to hopefully ensure that they will still be there when I come back.  But also a war telling me to pull away to ensure that I do not get hurt when I come back and they are not the same.  I want to protect my heart but I don’t want to be alone because I protected it so much.

Yes, I will change this summer, it happens every summer.  I hope this summer will be different from all others.  I hope I will have time to retreat with the Lord, spend more time with Him than I have any other summer and come back to Dallas with a new passion for the Lord that I have never had before.  I hope my heart is healed this summer from the pain a boy caused in my heart just recently.  I hope I have made a little more progress on some of the things I have been trying to fight through in my heart for years.  I hope this summer is a summer of growth for me.  But there are things here in Dallas that I do not want to change.  That I like in my life right now, and I am scared to go away and come back, scared they won’t be here anymore.

Outside of my personal life, the other part of my life is work.  My boss quit a few weeks ago but it still isn’t quite real yet.  We are in transition out of school year into summer mode and the fact that he isn’t here and me and another guy are leading the area all by our selves hasn’t really taken hold in my mind yet.  It will next year, when school starts back and he isn’t here.  When its me and JP making all the decisions and leading the area.  And the hole that Matt left?  Will it be filled?  Will my precious 8th graders have a staff person over them, and the other high schoolers,  next year in high school Young Life? I will be there, but will I have help?  Will it be successful ministry?  Changes at work that will for sure happen in the next 6 weeks while I am gone.  These changes can be really good..or really stressful.  It is hard for me to walk away from my area that I feel like I need to stay in be here for.

So, starting tomorrow, change starts.  I have a meeting at 8 am with my regional director and a potential staff person to fill Matt’s role.  Good change for my area could start in the morning.  But in my personal life part of my life (the remaining 1/4 of my life), things have already started to change.  One friend left this past Friday for Floriday.  For me and another friend , camp starts in 6 days so the next 6 days will be crazy busy days of getting ready for camp.  For another friend, she starts summer school tomorrow so for the next 5 days, she will completely be involved with the study of Soteriology.  Needless to say, my social life will not really exist this week it seems.  And then I leave…

So I am scared..scared of leaving, scared of changing, scared of being hurt, scared of my low expectations…

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